Daddy, I hope you know....

The reality of my dad not being here this Christmas has hit me really hard today. I was doing okay up until today - the boys are out of school for a week and a half, Dan is home from work for the next week and a 1/2, shopping is done, blah blah blah....but there is no dad. There is no grandpa, there will be no grandpa here on Christmas morning to see my kid's happy faces. I already see the light of my dad fading from their memories and it breaks my heart. There will be no twinkle in his eye as the kid's wake him up, he won't be sitting there for hours helping get the damn presents out of their boxes and then spending even more hours playing with them until he can barely hold his eyes open anymore. He won't be here sitting in "his" chair flipping channels on our TV with the volume turned way too loud until the wee hours of the morning.

It sucks and I hate it. I don't want to struggle through Christmas without him. It's not fair. I do believe there is a reason God did this to our family, but I cannot begin to fathom what that could possibly be.

At least, I guess, it is helping me take my focus off of mom and her struggles - at least temporarily.

I am sorry to be such a downer. I really have been trying to struggle through it, but today, it all came crashing down around me.

Daddy, I hope you know how much you are missed, how much you touched our lives, how much it hurts to go on without you. I also hope you did not suffer and you went happy knowing we were coming to visit so soon.

I love you and miss you, daddy. Merry Christmas.